E-rant

On the flight out, I’m a row behind and across the aisle from Dog the bounty hunter and his wife. After the plane lands, the girl next to me grabs a barf bag and lets go.  Fills it to the point of (almost, and thankfully not) bursting.

I ask Dog at the bottom of the escalators by baggage claim – “Share a cab to the strip?”  To which he replies “I’m in a limo, and it’s full.  Sorry, brother.”  I tell him “Next time”, and he nods, knowing that the odds of that occurring are as low as him changing that mullet-esque haircut he’s sporting.  Which I have finally made the call – Dog’s do is NOT, I repeat, NOT, a mullet.  It’s just a bizarre comb-over.

Once in the shuttle bound for the Riviera, I’m behind two young ladies, one of which is texting in French about going to stop in and see her sister, and the other has a tattoo on her neck that appears to be the same one that goes down her arm.  And she’s got more piercings than I could count.

Then I bump into the KPMG guys that sent me pictures they took of me last year after the StillSecure party.  And the guy who works for Delta that I met in 2002 when we took our CISSP test together in Chantilly.

I checked in, paid my fees, then got a FREAKING TEMP BADGE!  So how long have they been doing this?  I’d figure they’d have figured it out by now.  But then again, they’ve gotten so efficient at fucking up the badge shipment, maybe it’s become a tradition.

And I’ve been here for an hour.

Yep, I ranted about being “so totally over” DEFCON.  Well, it seems that a request to the powers that be resulted in approval to go, so I’m going.  I’d like to say I’m not happy about it, but it’s Vegas, and the price is right.  For those of you that may not know me, I’m the original “low-roller”.  Not to say I’m broke, or that I’m some grumpy miser – I just like to get my money’s worth, that’s all, and I just can’t bear to part with more than I, personally, have deemed something is worth.   Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the finer things in life,  and I am intimately aware that “you get what you pay for”, but as they say, a fool and his money are soon parted, nature abhors a vacuum, and a rolling stone gathers no moss.  Not sure what the last two have to do with it, but I really don’t like being more foolish than I have to be.  For example, I was on a mission to get a Porsche Boxster, my dream midlife crisis sports car.  After two and a half years of deliberation, test drives, and financial calisthenics, I got a Honda Civic SI.  Still a sports car – it just happens to be the cheapest one available.  And for those of you playing along at home, score yourself two bonus points if you noticed that even my “dream car” was the budget conscious entry-level Porsche.  I don’t even dream extravagantly.

Back to the topic at hand…
While at DEFCON, I’m planning to attend the star-studded sessions like the ones by Beckstrom, Schneier, Long, and Adam Savage (yep – as seen on TV).  It’s really a pretty good lineup.  Guess that’s what happens when the grand poobah sells out. 

So watch this space for updates over the weekend.  At least that’s the plan, it’s Vegas, after all, and who knows what is going to happen.  Well, I know what’s going to happen with my buddy (who shall remain nameless) who’s bringing his wife, kids and his MOTHER-IN-LAW – absolutely nothing.  Now there’s a foolproof way to keep yourself out of trouble in Vegas.

This just in… (read the whole story here)

OSLO — Norway’s Yara Foundation says a Kenyan banker and a Malawian farmers’ group have won its annual prize promoting former U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan’s call for a green revolution in Africa.  … The prize includes a $100,000 monetary award.

… and the only thing to do to claim the prize is for the Kenyan Banker to forward his account information to the foundation so they can collect the required upfront transfer fees to initiate the payment…

Just found this on Amazon – the Playmobil Security Checkpoint.  Take a quick look through the reviews and you’ll find gems such as this:

I was a little disappointed when I first bought this item, because the functionality is limited. My 5 year old son pointed out that the passenger’s shoes cannot be removed. Then, we placed a deadly fingernail file underneath the passenger’s scarf, and neither the detector doorway nor the security wand picked it up. … But it turned out to be okay, because when the passenger got on the Playmobil B757 and tried to hijack it, she was mobbed by a couple of other heroic passengers, who only sustained minor injuries in the scuffle, which were treated at the Playmobil Hospital.

The best thing about this product is that it teaches kids about the realities of living in a high-surveillence society. My son said he wants the Playmobil Neighborhood Surveillence System set for Christmas. I’ve heard that the CC TV cameras on that thing are pretty worthless in terms of quality and motion detection, so I think I’ll get him the Playmobil Abu-Gharib Interogation Set instead.

-and-

This toy goes very well with the other playmobil “political action figure” sets:

Playmobil Abortion Clinic
Playmobil Waterboard Funhouse
Playmobil Non Lethal Weapon Riot Police

And of course the companion to this set:
Playmobil Body Cavity Search

But seriously, the most disturbing part of this is, under “customers who have viewed this item have also viewed”…

The Playmobil Police Getaway Car – which likely contains the type of miscreants that the checkpoint is intended to prevent from boarding a plane.  From this product, you can find that people have also viewed The Father Pimp Costume - as ”costumes for all occasions”, which makes me wonder exactly how many occasions this particular costume would be for. 

Other things that one would obviously view when viewing this product are, of course, the Inflatable Bondage Chair.  Because nothing is more appropriate in a childs room than a little BDSM to help them relax at the end of the day (trust me – that was just as disconcerting to type as it is to read). 

And of course, after playing all day with your TSA toys while strapping your little brother into your S&M furniture dressed as a priest/pimp, one builds up quite an appetite.  So it’s no wonder that shoppers have also looked into Spotted Dick Sponge Pudding (whatever that is), and a Fresh Whole Rabbit.  Mmmm.  Them’s good eats.  …  you can get anything you want, at Amazon’s restaurant…

And finally there’s the Child’s White Zebra Pimp Suit Costume, the perfect companion to the Father Pimp Costume.  Throw in the “Child’s Drug-Addled Prostitute Costume (with dirty syringe)”, and you’ve got a theme party for the whole family.