We’ve all heard about the catastrophic effects of the recession. Bank calamities, real estate woes, no more Pontiac. Hopefully if you’re reading this, you’re still gainfully employed and you’re just worried about it like about 90% of us. But while helping out Mrs. Jupiter bringing in groceries this weekend, it finally hit me. Times truly are tough, and no matter what our situation, we all feel the effects of these large companies facing their own hard times. Some of the effects benefit you and I, the meager consumer, like deals on escorts to deals on escort services, but others have a much more terrifying effect.
While putting away a 24-pack of Quilted Northern Toilet Paper, something just didn’t feel quite right. It felt… Smaller. Lighter. I started to panic. Although I have embraced my inner cheapskate and am a self-proclaimed “low-roller”, toilet paper is one of my few extravagances. Has something dastardly happened to the one thing in this world I splurge on? I stopped dead in my tracks, wondering what this world has come to (again), and immediately called for an emergency inspection of the household toilet paper supply. Lo and behold:
Shocking! I couldn’t believe my eyes. It might look small, but on closer inspection, it turned out to be a difference of about half an inch or approximately 11%. 11% means that Northern can now produce 10 rolls for the price of 9. And a packaging cost reduction of approximately 3.7%.
Really, you can’t blame them – it’s just a smart business decision. The question it begs is this: does that extra 11% width per sheet really make a difference? According to a study by Charmin, people use 8.6 sheets per usage on average, using up an entire roll (for an average household) in 7 days. The 11% width difference equates to 2 square inches per sheet, for a total loss of 17.2 square inches in that 8.6 sheet wipe. Almost one sheet! In order to compensate for this loss, we’ll now be forced to use 1.1 additional of the smaller sheets – for a 9.7 sheet wipe. At this increased usage rate, you’ll get 7 less poops to a roll - a loss of a full day per roll, equating to an additional 7.5 rolls per year. The 24 pack of Quilted Northern costs about $15 at my local Safeway, which means that 7.5 rolls per year will cost me an additional $4.67. Over the rest of my (long, long, healthily pooping) life, that comes out to just over $200, not adjusting for inflation.
And just so you know, I’ve performed my own empirical data gathering and experimentation - my own personal usage patterns (based on a sample set = 3 poops, no spicy food), I use 8 sheets. I will now have to use 9, incurring that inevitable roll reduction penalty over my lifetime. Quite a crappy outcome.
Now for the inevitable slew of puns:
Certainly this company doesn’t want to be the butt of jokes here. They’ve taken on this cheeky move solely to improve their bottom line. They tasked their crack engineering team to re-work their production facilities as well as their packaging, certainly causing quite a rumpus. I’ve heard they don’t even know who was behind this but they were probably just in it for the booty and I hope they get canned. I don’t want to come off as some kind of potty-mouth, but I feel this is truly ass-tonishing and I’m literally flushed with anger. This change is causing an uproar in the community – even more than the recession failures of Freddy and Fannie! It truly makes me believe the company is run by a bunch of bums. Heck, this is one of the most important commode-ities of our lives – even if you live off the grid up in the mountains in a … TP.
Ok, rant over. Time for a beer. I think I’ll have a Heinie.